I Still Love My Ex

I still love him

The sound of his voice, look of his face, thought of his name – I smile. It’s been a while since we’ve talked, even longer since we’ve been together but my heart still skips a beat for him. How many of you know how it feels to still be in love with the man you let go? No matter how hurt you were, how many times you said, “I hate you,” your soul is still connected?

I was beginning to think he didn’t care since I hadn’t heard from him. Hand on the dial, I wanted to call but I just didn’t know what to say. Finally I did, but the was no answer. I guess I was right, “he really is over me.”

It was surprising when his name came across my touch screen, my heart stopped. Maybe I was wrong, did he still care?

This conversation was different from our last – no sarcasm, no arguments. Time flew by as we updated each other on new beginnings and the ups and downs of our lives. We celebrated our feats and encouraged each other through our trials. For once we had a normal conversation and it felt great.

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So what do you do when your love for the one you lost is still strong? Accept it. I couldn’t fight it anymore so I surrendered. Yes I still love him, and that’s okay. It doesn’t change our past, and it doesn’t mean we have to be together – who knows what the future holds? Acceptance gives me the space to feel what I feel and cope with it.

Too often we have feelings and think we have to do something about it. There may be times when you love someone, miss them, even wish you could be with them but you are not and will not be together. Sometimes love just is.

The beauty of accepting my feelings for him is that I don’t have to shut them off. I don’t have to hide them. Despite all that we have been through, is empowering. It’s a step forward in the healing process because I am no longer in denial. Even more beautiful is that fact that despite how much we both hurt over our relationship woes, a year later we can still have a pleasant conversation, share our life stories and genuinely be happy for each other. It’s been a long time coming, but I think I have finally entered that phase where I can acknowledge that I’m not quite over it. I can say, yes I still love him, and that’s okay.

All too often we try to rush through the healing process. In reality, if you truly loved someone that love doesn’t easily fade – it takes time. You may continue to have feelings for an old flame for sometime. Give yourself the time and space you need to heal. Accept how you feel each step of the way.

When Your Ex Is In Love With Someone Else

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Perhaps the most feared part of any break-up– is when your ex gets a new beau. So what do you do when your ex moves on but you’re still in love with him? I used to chant Beyonce’s “Ring the alarm. I’ve been through this too long and I’ll be damned if I see another chick on his arm.” Comical perhaps, but I’d venture to say, many of us have shares these sentiments. How can you put your heart and soul into this failed relationship only to have another woman reap the benefits? I’ve been there. It sucks, it hurts, and will push you out of character if you let it, but remember you are better than that.

Getting Over You Getting Over me

So what’s an alternative solution? Dare I say it– let him love her. I know it stings but just sit with it for a moment. Sure you could hold on and actively fight for the relationship but you risk alienation or being perceived as the “crazy” ex-girlfriend. In the end that reputation may do more damage than good. One of the most difficult parts of a breakup is loving someone and not being able to be with them– even worse, watching him love someone else. As much as it pains me to say this, there comes a time when you just can’t fight anymore. You have to let him go.

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So I say it again. With confidence and grace– let him love her. Only one of two things can happen– in the end you will either be with him or you won’t– If it’s the former, perhaps he needed to be with someone else in order for him to see just how special you are. If it’s the later, despite how much you love him he may not be “the one.” The beauty in karma is that if you put good vibes out, good things are bound to come to you. It may have taken his relationship with you to prepare him for who he is really meant to be with. In the same way he maybe preparing you for the real love of your life– and at the same time someone else is preparing your true “Mr. Right” for you.

Broken Hearted Girl

broken heart

The day my heart broke I was sick to my stomach. No physical pain could compare to the turmoil I felt inside. It ached in my heart and soul– he told me that he did not love me anymore.  I knew that it was all over, the promise, the dream, the fantasy of our life, it had all ended. The man my heart waited on, the man no other could replace, was the same man that I knew no longer felt the way I did.

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Old memories seared my brain – on constant repeat – wanting so badly to go back to that place. Making matters worse the pictures, the videos, the gifts – I still had in my possession. I took a scroll down memory lane and tears filled my eyes  as I reminisced over the bitter sweet memories that felt so close, yet so far away. What I thought would be my future turned out to be a distant past. I held on for so long but suddenly I was faced with the agonizing truth– he didn’t love me anymore.

The moment needed no words. When your spirit disconnects with a person you once loved and adored you just know it. You can feel the distance and separation – the truth. As painful as it may have been, “that truth” I sensed was what I needed to experience because the hope for our future placed a heavy weight on my heart. Yes it hurt. The pain was terrible, it cut deep. What was worse was that instead of letting go I continued to hold on to a man that was no longer interested in loving me.

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Sometimes when your heart is broken you loose perspective. You’re so deep in that you forget that you are the only person who can bring yourself out. Sometimes when you are broken you choose to stay that way– even worse you choose to break others. I was that broken-hearted girl. Eventually my appearance began to change. I smiled, I danced, and went on living my life, but what I never fixed was the most brittle part of me. The broken-hearted girl inside just stayed broken– she, I chose not to fix. She continued to move through life but deep inside she was troubled, fearful, mistrusting, and angry. Most notably, she was waiting. Waiting on him to come back– knowing that this would only lead to her demise. On that fateful day she finally got it. The end had come. It hurt to the core, but on that day she decided that she did not want to be that broken-hearted girl anymore.

Getting Closure

Getting CLosure

There are two sides to every story, often we hold vehemently to our own version, but how many times do we actually listen to our (ex) partner’s side of the story? How many relationships have ended and you never truly understood why, at least not from the other person’s perspective? Sure you have your version, but without the other side how complete is that picture? These are questions I had to ponder after a recent experience  of gaining closure. What is it and is this even important?

It had been a while since we last spoke, admittedly, there were some hard feelings – at least on my end, but having a talk with this old beau was a meaningful experience. The conversation about what happened between us provided us the opportunity to hear what the other person was thinking and feeling. I could better understood why he made the decisions he did and why things ended from his point of view. Though I did not agree with the way he handled things nor did I feel like my behavior prompted such a reaction, I no longer had to play the guessing game. I knew exactly why things ended from the source – him. Furthermore, it allowed me the opportunity to speak my mind and feel heard. Weeks had gone by with me repressing the negative feelings I had about how the relationship ended. This conversation was cathartic. It allowed me to express how I felt in a healthy manner. We actually communicated effectively and could see how the same event was interpreted and responded to in a different way. This conversation provided relief and positive feelings, clearing the air and providing the closure I needed to comfortably move on.

Often times when relationships end we wonder why and what happened. Having an honest heart to heart may provide the answers to those questions.  You may not like what the other person has to say but at least you know. This may not be something  you are able to do with a freshly ended relationship, perhaps emotions may be too volatile. But if possible, it might provide the peace you need with your decision to part ways. In other words, it may just help you close that chapter and start fresh.

Broken Promises

 

The ring meant everything to me, from the moment I opened its box and saw the majestic stone. I slipped it on my finger and couldn’t help but size it up. Finally. My dreams were coming true! One of the happiest moments of my life, and it caught me by surprise too. All the days I had dreamed about this moment yet none could prepare me for how much I invested in that promise. I fell in love way before that day, the ring just solidified the thing I wanted so much.

I poured my heart and soul into this dream, this hope, this faith in the future. It’s no wonder my world came tumbling down. I couldn’t understand the inconsistencies, how the behaviors changed, how my dream slowly unraveled right before my eyes. I invested in this promise but promises weren’t kept. Broken. I felt abandoned, rejected, lied to, unworthy, alone, misunderstood, unappreciated, angry, resentful, and desolate. My dream turned into a nightmare and I couldn’t wake up. Yet and still I tried. We tried. Tried tirelessly, endlessly without avail—until one day I took it off. I slipped my dreams and everything I had ever wanted off my finger and back into its box.

The anger brewed, under it years of pain. How could you love so hard and get so close to what you wanted and then it’s all taken away? I blamed him. Sometimes, I must admit, I still do. The pain makes you look for answers: Was it him or me?

I struggled with this question for quite a while. Couldn’t let it go. It consumed me. Every time I thought about it I felt broken inside until one day it just didn’t hurt as badly. I’d be a liar if I said I don’t think about it because, I must admit, sometimes I still do. Sometimes it still even hurts. But one thing I don’t regret is what that promise brought me. New vigor. New life. New meaning.

Life happens and sometimes sadly promises are broken. That was a hard lesson to learn, but the one promise I won’t break is to be open to that special promise, should it ever happen again.

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