6 Worst Ways to Break Up

Okay, so sometimes you have to deliver the bad news, You want to break up. However, I am a firm believer that with anything you do it’s about how you do it. If you want to break up with someone here are six ways you may NOT want to do it. It already hurts to be dumped, don’t add fuel to the fire by doing it this way:

1. Sending a Text Message: I know texting is the way to go in this millennium but let’s save that for chit chat. When you have an important conversation like a break up, try not to resort to text unless you have to. In-person conversation or via phone will allow you both to express your feelings more fluidly and accurately.

2. Calling in the middle of the Night: I was half sleep when I answered a phone call only to hear the news from one of my ex’s. I was able to let out a groggy okay and went back to sleep in order to make my 5:45 AM wake up call. I don’t even think what happened registered until mid morning the next day. Considering, I took that pretty well, because at another time in my life if I would have immediately woken, me up, an argument would have ensued, ruining my sleep and following work day. The point is, have some tact and break up when the other person is alert!

3. On Facebook: The worst way to receive the notice is by finding out when the rest of social media world does: seeing your ex’s relationship status change to “Single”. Be respectful enough to give your partner forewarning.

4. Ignoring: Come on people we aren’t in middle school anymore. The worst thing you can do is just stop answering phone calls and messages. A person should not have to guess you’re no longer together.

5. Word of Mouth: This is simialr to Facebook, but instead someone else tells you that your ex has broken up with you. Before going around town professing your “Singledom” have a conversation with your ex. It’s the least you can do.

6. Sending an Email:  Unless this is your regular mode of communication this can be impersonal, so don’t hide behind the mouse.

Are we missing any? We understand different relationships call for different things so use this advice sparingly. Dealing with a Bug-A-Boo may call for different things. Chime in lovelies we would love to hear your break up stories!

The Past that Haunts Me

    

If you’re like me, you ruminate. What could have, should, have, would have been. You hold on to things that happened so long ago, replaying them over and over again, imagining if you had done something else. Sound familiar? This is definitely my MO. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have been in a relationship, got into an argument with my partner and started to spill out things he had done last week, last month, and dare I say it last year. I was holding on to so much baggage. I wouldn’t let it go. It held me down and so every time I argued, I wasn’t just mad at the immediate trigger. No, that just piled on top of an already long list of hurt.  I carried around anger. Resentment. An explosive combination. 

The problem with this thinking is that you can never really move forward if you are always living in the past. The more you hold on to the pain the worse it gets. Pain just piles on top of pain, on top of pain, on top of pain. Pretty soon you’re surrounded in pain, anger, and resentment and you don’t know how to get out of it. 

They say hind sight is 20/20. Of course it is, because when you are looking back you can see all the moves. The only thing is that in life you don’t usually get a replay. What you CAN do with this 20/20 vision is incorporate it into your life as you move forward. Instead of living in the past, use it to plan for the future, and most importantly to live in the present.

Letting go is difficult but holding on can be even worse. Imagine you are holding onto a ton of weight and if you will just fix your fingers to release it how light you would be. Sometimes the fight to release is well worth the freedom you will feel once it’s out of your hands.

Turning a Break Up Into a Breakthrough

The pain of a break up can cut deep. It can be disparaging. 

My break up sucked! It hurt. It was so painful to loose the one person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. Not only was it hard to let go of the fact that we wouldn’t be together in the here and now, but the hardest part was letting go of the future we had planned.
No one wants to look in the mirror and wonder, who will I be with? Am I good enough? What did I do to deserve this? Why didn’t it work? Will I ever find that special someone?
Reality is, we have all probably been in this place at one time or another. Some of us may still be here now. 
Every day after my break up I woke up in a dissary. Eyes puffy from a night of crying. Mind boggled. I was out of it. I went through each day just trying to get to the next. Surviving was my focus.  Putting the pieces of me back together. 
But let me give you some reassurance that one day you will look in the mirror and your outlook won’t be so ugly. You will see something incredibly beautiful staring back at you. Something you never have seen before. I did. One day, I looked in the mirror and my eyes were clear. I don’t know when or how it happened. It just did. It clicked for me. This time I looked into my eyes and I saw purpose.
The great thing about life is that when you loose one things it leaves room for something else. Though painful, a break up can be just what you need to move you forward. When you are in the midst of it, your judgment is often tainted. Everything is so cloudy. You can’t see clearly. But when the dust settles you can often see the utility in loosing what once used to be so special.
My break up gave me my life back. It motivated me to focus on myself. The one thing I had lost because I was so focused on my partner, on the we, on the future and all the plans we had made. And because I was so focused on the relationship, I lost sight of who I am. In many ways my break up was the impetus to commit to this magazine, compete in a pageant, and follow other dreams I had let go of. 
Now when I look in the mirror I smile because I got a second chance at life. And I got it practically unscathed. Sure my heart was broken but somehow I had managed to maintain the core pieces of myself and I found that as I put ME back together I got a picture that was way more beautiful than anything I had ever seen before. I finally came face to face with the woman who had been struggling to come out from inside of my whole life, and every day I look in the mirror I see this woman evolving right before my eyes. I smile because I’m happy she finally was able to breakthrough. 
When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Eating the Second Piece of Cake

I was watching Single Ladies and one of the characters made a statement about getting back with an ex that stuck with me. “It’s like eating the second piece of cake. So satisfying in the moment but 10 minutes later you’re angry at your self and ready to throw up.”

How many times have you broken up with someone only to get back with him or her? Break up to make up. Sounds familiar? I definitely resonate with this. What is it that keeps us going back for more? There’s this saying “Old Habits Die Hard.” If you think of a relationship as a habit, it’s something that is formed through repetition over time. It’s what you’re used to. Your comfort zone. Like an addiction, relapse is sometimes inevitable. You may go back. A habit is hard to break.

Being in love can be magnetic. A world wind of passion, something that may be too much to handle but it keeps you coming back. So how do you know when it’s really time to say good-bye? Sometimes, you have a partner and all you need is a little time apart to show you that you really love the other person and you want it to work. Other times you may find yourself in a toxic relationship. Like a drug, it gets you high but afterwards you are left to deal with all the negative consequences.

Like the second piece of cake, you will know whether or not it was good for you. If your stomach is settled after, perhaps it was just the right recipe! If you find you have to throw up then you know it’s something to get rid of. But how?

I’m no expert at saying goodbye. I’d definitely be the expert of dragging on a break up. It takes me several “I’m done” to truly be over, but each one gets me closer to the final good bye. In the past I had a friend who was dealing with this same process. Every time she would make statements to me about wanting to end things one of the things I asked her was “are you ready?” Because I was ready to stand with her until she was. Now some people would rush to tell her to get rid of him! Not that I wouldn’t necessarily agree, but what I understood is the magnetic attraction that love and passion can have. That even when your mind tells you to stop sometimes your heart just won’t let go.

What I understand is that for some of us it takes time. It takes relapse. My humanistic approach to life tells me, that’s okay. Meet people where they are and they will inevitably get where they need to be. Sometimes it just takes eating that second piece of cake before you’re ready to throw it all up. 

I don’t want to let go, but I think I have to…

Life happens as it is supposed to. We just have to trust it.

Sometimes we love someone so much that despite the signs that tell us otherwise, we do everything we can to hold on to that relationship. Often at the expense of our hearts because our failure to let go places us in situations where we suffer undue pain. Letting go can be one of the scariest things we have to do but sometimes we must let go of the one we love the most in order for each of us to grow individually. There may be lessons we need to learn and experiences we need to have that can only happen if we are apart.

But, life happens as it should, and if you let something go and it comes back, you know it’s yours. If it doesn’t, you have opened yourself up to receive the desires of your heart, just when the time is right.

Trust your gut. As hard as that is, trust that fate will lead you to where you are supposed to be.

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