Why am I single?

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One of the most common questions I get from men who court me is the infamous, “So why are you single?” It never fails, every guy I go out on a date with, text, or talk to on the phone, that question always comes up. I cringe as soon as it rolls off their lips because there’s just no one answer. Before answering, I think to myself, “Do you want the real reason, or the politically correct answer?” I almost always go with the latter, preceded by a playful, “Because I’m crazy.” You know what they say, there’s truth in every joke.

But this brings up the good question for us single ladies and gents: Why are we single? So, I’ve scoped the land, talked to some people, processed my own singledom, and came up with these few reasons. Can you find yourself in any one of these?

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1. Case of the Ex: You are still in love with your ex. The two of you may have broken up last week, last month, several months, or even years ago, but time doesn’t matter. That person still holds a special place in your heart and you might even feel there’s no one who can take his or her place. You’re so smitten with your ex, you couldn’t even notice Mr. or Mrs. Right if s/he smacked you in the face.

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2. Tunnel Vision: You’re career is king or queen and you don’t have time to waste on relationships. That is time you’d rather spend in the pursuit of excellence. Sure you date, but it’s nothing serious. You’re so focused on the goal ahead of you that your vision is constricted and you can’t see anything else, even if it’s the love of your life.

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3. You Really are “Crazy”: I say this lightly but in reality you have difficulties maintaining relationships. Maybe they start off perfectly and you are really feeling your beau, yet each relationship turns south. Something always goes wrong and the common factor seems to be you.

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4. Single, Sexy, and Free: You love being single because this is the time to enjoy life. You are embracing who you are in the moment and don’t need (or want) to be in a committed relationship just yet. Right now it’s all about self exploration and you are loving it!

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5. Single Solitude: You are afraid to be in a relationship or you simply don’t know how to be. Perhaps it’s difficult for you to relate to others, maybe you are shy, or maybe you are just plain scared of comittment. Either way, singledom is your fortress to keep you from getting hurt. The only thing is, you really want to be with someone you just don’t know how to let them in.

Do any of these fit the bill? I think I may be a mixture! Now what? It depends on you. Take an honest inventory of yourself and inquire why you are single. If it’s something you like then great, continue to bask in it! But if you find yourself unsatisfied with your current position, dig deeper. Find the root and work on fixing it so you are ready to be in a healthy relationship the next time the opportunity presents itself. One thing to keep in mind is singledom is often a season. Sometimes you may be in it for a while, cycle in and out, or never come back. Whatever your situation take this time to self explore and work on becoming a better you.

Another V-Day Alone

JG Valentines Day

It’s that time of year again – red and pink roses, hearts, and candy – Valentine’s Day, the quintessential day of love. Anyone who knows me knows I am a hopeless romantic. I am in love with love. Romantic comedies, dramatic love stories, and fairy-tale endings always bring joyful tears to my eyes. I have countless fantasies about how the man of my dreams will surprise me on February 14th, 20XX. But no matter how many men I have dated, regardless of whether or not I’m in love, somehow it seems I always end up spending the Fourteenth alone. Each time it happens I brush it off, putting my hopes and dreams into the fairy-tale ending that will happen next year. Only, next year rolls around and I am doomed to repeat my past. I must admit, I have gotten pretty down on myself. I wondered what could possibly be so wrong with me that no one cared enough to make this day special. Sad face, I know.

Well Lovelies, there is no next year, there is only now. And this year I am doing things differently. Instead of putting all my hopes into Prince Charming coming to sweep me off my feet in his chariot, I am going to date myself. That’s right! Who needs a date on Valentine’s Day when I can date the one person I have fallen back in love with this year? I have poured myself into another person for far too long– my heart and emotions hinged on someone else so much, I neglected to care for myself. And in doing so I let so many Valentine’s Days pass without showing love to the beautiful woman I have shared my whole life with. I smile because falling in love has never felt greater or more natural. I am going to shower myself with love on this special day.

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Here’s the itinerary for what is to be my best Valentine’s Day to date!

  • Chocolate-covered Strawberries – Mmmm! One of my favorite desserts, they are scrumptiously delicious!
  • Spa Day- Yes, I am going to pamper myself with a little relaxation. First a massage, then facial, followed by a mani pedi. Oh! And I can’t forget my hair appointment.
  • Valentines – As a child, Valentine’s Day was my favorite holiday because I got to give and receive Valentine’s Day treats. This year I am taking it back to childhood and showing love to my loved ones!
  • Skype Date – My niece and nephew give me the greatest joy so I will spend time getting computer kisses from them! XOXOXO
  • Happy Hour – Valentine’s Day is Thursday night so drinks with my single girls is warranted!
  • Party, party, party! – A little partying never hurt anyone. That weekend I plan to put on my favorite dress and high heels, and live it up!

There’s no time for disappointment and stress this year! I have a full line up for Valentine’s Day – there’s nothing better than loving yourself!

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, how will you Lovelies love yourself on Valentine’s Day?

2012 Relationship Reflections

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I am ending the year just how I began it – single. It has been a journey transitioning through the relationship process and it finally feels like I have come to a good place. My 2012 hopefully gives credence to letting your heart mend and starting fresh.

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Relationship: Dangerously in love, I looked forward to 2012 because I believed that my love would continue to blossom into everything I had ever imagined it to be. I was hoping for a fairy tale ending.

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Break-up: Starting the new year in a break-up was devestating to me, a major blow to my heart. All my hopes and dreams were crushed when my relationship ended and I was just trying to pick up the pieces. I was in the break-up stage for the first few months of 2012, admittedly spending many days and nights saddened and in tears. Yes, I was a brokenhearted girl.

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Singledom: As Spring dawned so did my date with singledom. I was learning myself and taking the time to just date me. My sanity came from my spiritual growth and my professional development. The champion of sublimation, I transfered all my negative energy into positive energy and began to build my empire.

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Dating: Summer, Summer, Summer time! My life began to heat up! I started taking risks, going out, meeting new people, and enjoying life. The shackles of my failed relationship began to lift and I saw the beauty in freedom. Freedom to experience life. Freedom to live!

A Year in #Singledom

2012 was not an easy year in relationships for me. I was single and not quite ready to mingle. What does a girl do when she’s madly in love with a man that she cannot be with? Caught between a rock in a hard place, I began the year alone, confused, and in disarray. How could I move on when I did not even want to? Nestled in the back and forth of relationships I struggled with this new found singledom.

I desperately wanted to go back to my comfort zone, back to 2011 when my relationship status was in tact. And yes, I did the dance with the ex – back and forth. I couldn’t let go. But with each month into singledom I noticed I grew more comfortable with myself and the idea that it was just me, myself, and I. I started to learn me – my likes and dislikes. I gained clarity on my wants and needs in a relationship.

Every month I saw myself more settled into singledom, and actually liking it. I went from hating the idea to understanding it. Singledom gave my new life. This year I found myself, the part of me that had been hidden inside. The part of me that could not be nurtured as long as it took a backseat to being helplessly in love.

Who would have known that the unimaginable would give way to what I have always imagined? Reflecting on singledom I realize that as much as it hurt to be thrust into this status, it was the best thing that could ever happen to me. I am thankful for life bringing me down this new path.

Mr. Tall Dark & Handsome

When I was young, I knew the exact guy I wanted. I had this perfect picture of what he would look like.  I knew all of his qualities, what he would do for a living, how he would treat me, where we would live, and how we would spend our time together.
Even in my twenties, I was always on the look out for him, my Mr. Tall Dark & Handsome. At this age, I have had my fair share of tall, dark (spectrum), and handsome (debatable…lol). Recently, I was talking with a friend about my relationship woes and she politely pointed out my dating tendencies. It became evident the men I date tended to fit into a box. Not that they are all the same, of course there were individual differences, but there were commonalities in each of them that stood out and might be contributing to my current Singledom. My rigid adherence to these particular qualities may be cutting off viable options. In essence could it be me blocking my relational happiness? 
As I began to list the characteristics I wanted it became clear that
this massive checklist may, in fact, be unrealistic.  More troubling is the notion that the most important qualities aren’t even the ones I put on my priority list. I’m sure we all want to be with someone we are attracted to but my stringent 6’4” rule, seems a bit excessive.
I’ve had to take a long look at myself and think, what is it I really want in a man? What is it I really need? What I realized is I have tunnel vision when it comes to men. Probably the first thing I do is look up, but what if I’m missing something right under my nose? What if when I go out into this world I am looking first for this perfect match in physical criteria before I even get to his educational , psychological, emotional, behavioral, aspirational, or spiritual? In looking so stringently for the perfect Mr. Tall Dark & Handsome could I be missing the man of my dreams?
In no way am I suggesting we settle Lovelies.  I do believe we can have the desires of our hearts. I am suggesting if you’re like me, only seeking out Mr. Tall Dark & Handsome, or whatever your version of “Mr. Perfect” is, to entertain the idea of broading your perspective. Be open to meeting men from all different walks of life. Who knows, you just might enjoy something new :).

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