Breakup Lines

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Anyone who has ever been on the receiving side of a breakup knows it’s not always the easiest. One minute you might be blissfully enjoying a relationship or steadily dating and the next moment your hearing the worst news of the day. Whenever your blindsided with a breakup it can leave you feeling confused. You might ruminate on “the talk” dissecting each word to figure out what is going on? We thought we’d help you out with translating breakup lines – what do they mean?

It’s not you it’s me

Translation: Classic right? He or she may be trying to find a “nice” way to break things off by shifting the burden on them self saying that they have the problem. Bottom line is that it probably is them – not liking you.

I need to focus on (insert subject…school, work etc.)

Translation: Many of us may be busy professionals, but for any ambitious person when won’t you be busy? In this day and age you make time for what you want. Point is they just don’t want to make time for you.

I’m just going through a lot of stuff right now

Translation: If they actually are going through difficult times they just aren’t interested in having you there to support. It might be they don’t feel close enough to you or they might be embarrassed. Either way they are making a choice to exclude you from their hardship, which is telling.

The chemistry is gone

Translation: The things that brought you together are no longer doing its job. You used to laugh and joke, perhaps you don’t have these good times anymore. Instead of working through the dulls in the relationship s/he would rather let the relationship fade away when the chemistry fizzles down. Maybe the relationship you had wasn’t all that special in the first place.

You’ve changed

Translation: Your beau might be saying that the way you treated him or her before getting serious is what made him or her fall for you in the first place. Perhaps you’ve gotten too comfortable and don’t do the special things you did before. Once you get a partner you also have to put in the effort to keep him or her – often times it starts with maintaining the good works you put in to get serious in the first place.

If you’re interested in more translation read Male lies and Female lies. We break down each’s communication – what is he or she really saying? You have to read to find out!

Can I Remain Friends with My Ex?

Is it possible to remains friends with an ex? Sure, but it will require a careful and objective approach to the situation. Of course, being objective about a person with whom you used to share the most intimate parts of yourself can be a daunting task for some. This difficulty may be exacerbated if the relationship ended badly—in which case it may be impossible. However, if you truly feel that a friendship with your ex is worth the effort, then by all means go for it! Here are a few tips to get through the tightrope act of transitioning from girlfriend to friend.

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Rule 1: Give yourself a grace period. Creating a “no contact” period between the time you break things off with your former lover and the time you decide to embark on your quest for a friendship is necessary. Regardless of how cordial, mutual, or inevitable your breakup may have been, the fact of the matter is your ex was an important person in your life at some point and not having him there in that capacity can be jarring. You need this time to mourn and accept the end of the relationship.

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Rule 2: Assess your feelings. Once you’ve gone though the grace period and have concluded that you want to pursue a friendship with your ex, you have to ask yourself why you want this friendship?  Be honest about your intentions. Make sure you’re not pursing this with the dream of a potential reunion. He may never want to be in a relationship with you again, and you have to understand and accept this as fact.

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Rule 3: Assess his feelings. Reconsider if friendship with him is the right option if you know he still harbors strong feelings for you. Don’t give him a false sense of hope by stringing him along with a friendship when you know he yearns for more. This may sound counterproductive, but if you care enough to want him as your friend, then delay your friendship with him until you are completely sure that’s all he truly desires.

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Rule 4:  Keep is strictly platonic. Do not, I repeat, do not continue or maintain a sexual relationship with him. The idea of a “friends with benefits” situation is nearly impossible if it involves your ex. It’s hard enough to maintain a platonic relationship with an ex. Sex is always accompanied by feelings not matter how hard you try to avoid them. If rules 2 or 3 apply to either of you, then rule 4 must be followed as well.

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Rule 5: Keep outings to a minimum. So, you’ve followed rules 1 through 4 to a T, and you’re now deep in the infant stages of your friendship. Don’t ruin any progress by still engaging in activities that can be considered “couple-like.” Frequent dinner dates and hang out sessions may bring on the potential for mixed signals and compromising situations to occur. Sure you may be enjoying your ex’s company, but friendships come with far less expectations than relationships. Just because you’re doing well as friends doesn’t mean you will do well as a reconciled couple. Remember: there was a reason you two broke up in the first place.

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Rule 6: Create boundaries. Since this friendship has risen from the ashes of something that was once romantic, you have to recognize that this will not be your typical, run-of-the-mill friendship. Be careful not to discuss with your ex your newfound freedom and its accompanying love life. Neither of you may not have deep feelings for each other anymore, but even the tiniest of feelings may spawn jealousy which could lead to confused feelings and awkward conversations. This friendship is supposed to add value to your life, not create stress.  Do not assume you two are cool enough to discuss how well last night’s date went.

Just like in a relationship, a good friendship requires effort, trust, mutual respect and honesty. Following these rules won’t ensure that a friendship will happen between you and your ex. However, if you can keep these few tips in mind, there’s a strong change you’ll be able to turn your failed romantic relationship into a budding friendship that could last for many years to come.

Tamara Jenkins is a real Jersey girl. She’s independent, opinionated, and loves her sports. When she’s not watching her favorite teams, she’s reading, practicing yoga or working on a few books she hopes will get published one day. She also may or may not be training for a 5k race. With a belief that life is what you make of it, Tamara doesn’t merely want to survive life; she wants to live it.

4 Signs It’s Time To Breakup

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Breaking up is not always easy.  We may get an inkling that it’s time to part ways but there’s something that keeps us from saying goodbye. The back and fourth can hinder our ability to move forward from a long overdue break up. Perhaps we are scared of becoming that broken hearted girl, in love, or just want to avoid a loss, so much so that we ignore the tall tell signs that it’s time to go. Once we finally break up we look back and see all the red flags. Hind sight is twenty twenty, yet how do you know when it’s time to let go before this? Here are 4 signs that we may need to close the curtains on a relationship.

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1. Distrust: Trust is one of the most important features of a relationship. If you get to the point where you are going through your partner’s phone and personal belongings, that is a sign of distrust. This may be an internal issue for you to work out within yourself or it may be  gut response elicited from your partner’s action. None-the-less, these behaviors can become addictive and be problematic for both parties.  If your partner eventually finds out he or she may feel violated and may question their ability to trust you as well – a recipe for disaster. If you get the inkling to dig, start by asking yourself why. Invading your partner’s privacy may sooth your anxiety in the moment but the saying goes, “if you look for something you will find it.” And then what?

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2. Unhappiness: Happiness is a process, a way of being, not an end state. In general your partner should bring you joy. Of course there will be times where you are angered or even saddened by your partner, that’s a part of relationships. However, if you constantly feel unhappy in a relationship that is telling. Your experience, despite difficult times, should be pleasant and if it’s more displeasure it may not be worth it. Your beau should make you better, not worse.

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3. Arguing: Disagreements will occur in any relationship. But if you’re constantly fighting and arguing with a partner that may be a sign that some needs aren’t getting met and communication between the two of you is broken. Relationships are not easy, but they also shouldn’t be that hard. There will undoubtedly be difficult times but if the bad outweighs the good you may want to rethink it.

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4. Time: Spending time together is the mainstay of a partnership. It takes time to build and maintain a strong bond. It’s natural to have moments during your relationship where you spend less time together. Plus, life happens. You have other responsibilities like work, hobbies, and spending times with friends that may keep you from spending all of your time with your beau, and that’s okay. In balance, it’s actually quite healthy. However, If you find that you like spending more time away from your partner than together, you continually choose other people or activities over your partner, and you make excuses as to why you can’t be with him or her, you should listen to that. What is this lack of time telling you?

5 Stages of a Breakup

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Breaking up with a beau is best described as a process. You are likely experience a variation of emotions and that’s okay. Here are 5 stages of a Breakup. You may not experience all of these emotions or you may experience them in different orders, but one thing is for sure, these stages provide a glimpse into what it feels like to go through a break up.

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Denial: Shock may be one of the first emotions you experience. You may be in disbelief about your loss. For some of us this may come with “whew” (whipping the forehead) because you may be relieved to finally have your freedom. Others may experience a paralyzing disbelief, “what do I do now?” This may too be accompanied by acting as if everything is “okay” when the truth of the matter is that you are probably bubbling over with emotions.

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Anger: All the worst things about your break up might surface – you are angry about all the things he or she put you through. The thought of your ex’s name upsets you so much so that you may need to take out some of your aggression – punching bag, constant conversations with your girlfriends, or dare we say it – even verbal battles with your past beau. This stage may have your emotions on high alert!

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Depression: Many say anger is a secondary emotion and that underneath is usually a sense of loss and dispair. If this is true, once the anger wears off you may be left feeling desolate – with a broken heart. All the things you hated about your ex are overridden with all the great memories you had. You may experience an intense void, wishing things could be different.

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Bargaining: Wishful dispair may turn to you thinking about all the what ifs, should haves, could haves, and would haves. You may blame yourself for the demise and wonder what would have happened if you handled things diferently. You probably contemplate calling him or her and some of us even do. Others may sit by the phone wishing their ex would call or wonder by old spots just hoping the two of you will run in to each other. The facebook and twitter stalking comes next prying on his or her every move, “how could he or she be so happy without me?”

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Acceptance: It’s not the easiest thing to do but eventually we all hopefully come to this place. We may not necessarily like it but we accept that our relationship is over. We experience a myriad of emotions but instead of trying to deny or evade them we learn to deal with the sadness, anger, and sense of abandonment. This leads to healing – the point at which we can fully, wholly, and healthily move forward knowing that this person may be a significant memory but doesn’t have to define our existence. We embrace the losses in life  and we continue live.

What do you think lovelies?

I Still Love My Ex

I still love him

The sound of his voice, look of his face, thought of his name – I smile. It’s been a while since we’ve talked, even longer since we’ve been together but my heart still skips a beat for him. How many of you know how it feels to still be in love with the man you let go? No matter how hurt you were, how many times you said, “I hate you,” your soul is still connected?

I was beginning to think he didn’t care since I hadn’t heard from him. Hand on the dial, I wanted to call but I just didn’t know what to say. Finally I did, but the was no answer. I guess I was right, “he really is over me.”

It was surprising when his name came across my touch screen, my heart stopped. Maybe I was wrong, did he still care?

This conversation was different from our last – no sarcasm, no arguments. Time flew by as we updated each other on new beginnings and the ups and downs of our lives. We celebrated our feats and encouraged each other through our trials. For once we had a normal conversation and it felt great.

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So what do you do when your love for the one you lost is still strong? Accept it. I couldn’t fight it anymore so I surrendered. Yes I still love him, and that’s okay. It doesn’t change our past, and it doesn’t mean we have to be together – who knows what the future holds? Acceptance gives me the space to feel what I feel and cope with it.

Too often we have feelings and think we have to do something about it. There may be times when you love someone, miss them, even wish you could be with them but you are not and will not be together. Sometimes love just is.

The beauty of accepting my feelings for him is that I don’t have to shut them off. I don’t have to hide them. Despite all that we have been through, is empowering. It’s a step forward in the healing process because I am no longer in denial. Even more beautiful is that fact that despite how much we both hurt over our relationship woes, a year later we can still have a pleasant conversation, share our life stories and genuinely be happy for each other. It’s been a long time coming, but I think I have finally entered that phase where I can acknowledge that I’m not quite over it. I can say, yes I still love him, and that’s okay.

All too often we try to rush through the healing process. In reality, if you truly loved someone that love doesn’t easily fade – it takes time. You may continue to have feelings for an old flame for sometime. Give yourself the time and space you need to heal. Accept how you feel each step of the way.

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