5 Stages of a Breakup


Breaking up with a beau is best described as a process. You are likely experience a variation of emotions and that’s okay. Here are 5 stages of a Breakup. You may not experience all of these emotions or you may experience them in different orders, but one thing is for sure, these stages provide a glimpse into what it feels like to go through a break up.


Denial: Shock may be one of the first emotions you experience. You may be in disbelief about your loss. For some of us this may come with “whew” (whipping the forehead) because you may be relieved to finally have your freedom. Others may experience a paralyzing disbelief, “what do I do now?” This may too be accompanied by acting as if everything is “okay” when the truth of the matter is that you are probably bubbling over with emotions.


Anger: All the worst things about your break up might surface – you are angry about all the things he or she put you through. The thought of your ex’s name upsets you so much so that you may need to take out some of your aggression – punching bag, constant conversations with your girlfriends, or dare we say it – even verbal battles with your past beau. This stage may have your emotions on high alert!


Depression: Many say anger is a secondary emotion and that underneath is usually a sense of loss and dispair. If this is true, once the anger wears off you may be left feeling desolate – with a broken heart. All the things you hated about your ex are overridden with all the great memories you had. You may experience an intense void, wishing things could be different.

Woman sitting on floor with a cell phone

Bargaining: Wishful dispair may turn to you thinking about all the what ifs, should haves, could haves, and would haves. You may blame yourself for the demise and wonder what would have happened if you handled things diferently. You probably contemplate calling him or her and some of us even do. Others may sit by the phone wishing their ex would call or wonder by old spots just hoping the two of you will run in to each other. The facebook and twitter stalking comes next prying on his or her every move, “how could he or she be so happy without me?”


Acceptance: It’s not the easiest thing to do but eventually we all hopefully come to this place. We may not necessarily like it but we accept that our relationship is over. We experience a myriad of emotions but instead of trying to deny or evade them we learn to deal with the sadness, anger, and sense of abandonment. This leads to healing – the point at which we can fully, wholly, and healthily move forward knowing that this person may be a significant memory but doesn’t have to define our existence. We embrace the losses in life  and we continue live.

What do you think lovelies?

Perfect Patty


“Perfect Patty messed up” The words of Janet Jackson’s character Dr. Patricia from Why Did I Get Married Too?

Like Patricia, many of us live our lives as if everything is great. We put on this perfect façade. Everything is okay on the outside but in reality we suffer in silence.

I’m reminded of a conversation I had with a friend and for lack of a better pseudonym this person will just be “FRIEND”. We were discussing a time in my life when I really needed someone but FRIEND was not there for me. FRIEND’S response was “You’re strong, I knew you would be okay.” My response “But I don’t want to be strong all the time. Sometimes I want to ‘be weak’.”

This notion of strength and weakness is interesting. What are they, really? Often we are working so hard to be “strong” that we forget strength is recognizing when things are not okay. Strength to me is not being fearless or tearless, it’s allowing your self to feel the range of emotions that encompass our lives. Being strong means being honest with yourself and other people. It means asking for help when you need it. Often the difference between contentment and suffering is not the presence or lack of pain. It’s the acceptance of it.

The individualistic values of American society push us towards success but sometimes it can have its downside if we are not able to express or even own that inside we are not okay. In Patricia’s case she was a successful psychologist who’s identity was so wrapped up in helping others, being their rock during hard times that she forget about her self. She couldn’t properly mourn the death of her son because she would not allow her self to feel. She avoided her emotions and pushed away the only other person who might be able to share her pain, her husband. Instead she was “strong”. She kept working and doing, inhibiting the grief process, which ultimately cost the couple their marriage. As you can see rugged individualism can have some devastating effects. Can anyone relate?

Mental health is important. But there is this stigma attached to it. Recently the death of Feminista author Erika Kennedy struck me because her cause of death was due to “depression.” But what does this really mean?

About 14.8 million (6.7% of) Americans over age 18 deal with major depression each year. Every 15 minutes a person in this country commits suicide. We can’t be silent anymore. It’s time to speak. People walk around everyday like everything is going well yet hurting on the inside. I think Tupac says it best “dying on the inside but outside looking fearless.”

We (humans) are social animals. Made to be around other people. We need to feel connected and loved by others. It’s just how we are wired. Understanding, care, and compassion can have a major impact on a person’s health and well-being.

Lets break the silence. Even superwoman needs a friend.